I live in downtown Sacramento.
I hate working , cause like most shit, its simultaneously gay and gayer, which is why I am on paid leave for my carpal tunnel syndrome. I used to work at a clothing store I won't mention(FUCK YOU URBAN OUTFITTERS), but I liked not going too much, and eventually they decided to give me paid leave, cause if they fired me they were afraid I'd do something all Taliban-y. What EVES!
Anyhow…$146 is about what I get per week. This averages around 580 dollars a month. Which, according to Oprah, is poverty level. But I don't abuse the system like some of those ghetto people, oh no. In fact, I think 580 dollars a month is a fine income. If people don't have running water its their own fault. But maybe they need guidance, I'm thinking, so I'm gonna do a monetary breakdown of my monthly spending in order to show people how to not be poverterous in these hard times, cause obviously everyone is retarded and can't do it themselves.
My financial breakdown:
Rent:$175
Ok, so I live in the most expensive state in the US, and I still only pay 175 in rent in a major metro area. How, you ask? No no, im no squatter. Gross. Granted, I used to eat my old roommates leftover in-n-out from the garbage, but only when it was (near) the top of the trash, and even then I stopped cause it was starting to give me low self-esteem. So anyways, the thing is, when I moved in with my last boyfriend our apartment was 700 a month for a studio. He told me I just had to give him 175 a month, and I thought wow he's so generous paying the rest. But in reality, the entire rent was automatically indefinitely deducted each month from his parents checking account. So, really, I was just paying him 175 a month for sex so he could spend it all to buy weed from our neighbors while he didn't actually pay any of the bill himself. However, when we broke up and he moved out, he decided he didn't want to work and still wanted my 175 dollars a month, so we agreed to not tell his parents, I still give him his 175, he still gets his weed, and he sleeps in some gay dudes garage for free.
I'm no Suze Orman, but if everyone would just follow this same route, we wouldn't need welfare housing, ya know?
Moving on.
Alcohol: $0-$405:
This is a necessity thats always changing. Depending on how many people I blow per month, I may not have to spend any money. But if im being a prudish bitch, then usually about half of the rest of my paycheck that is left over after rent ($202.50) is crumpled and shoved in my pocket, and fairly depleted after a few days. The other $202.50 I keep in an ashtray by my plethora of expired birthcontrol and old NYLON magazines, or as I like to call it, my 401k. My 401k may or may not last for the entire month, depending on how distracted I am by defunct articles about Six Feet Under, or how intimately I feel I need to know Chloe Sevigniy. (FYI: this usually ranges from moderate to extreme intimacy)
Drugs(non-alcohol):$50-$150
Now, this varies on a month to month basis as well. Normally, I'll use my 401k to fund an 8-ball, which, depending on your dealer, can run you from $110 all the way to $175. The thing is, the quality of Sacramento coke is all fairly consistent in its shittiness, so I'd recommend getting it through the 110 guy. But sometimes I won't buy drugs at all. Like, I'll go through my 'puritan' months, or my 'don't feel like getting my stomach pumped' months, and I won't buy any.
However, these months often cause my alcohol bill to be around $2,994.00.
Ok, at this point you may notice that 2,994 dollars is a little over my earnings. This is where plan B(or the plan that has actually been in the back of my head the whole time but I wont admit it) comes in. I call my mom and tell her that I need 700 dollars for rent that my evil pothead ex screwed me out of (teehee), and then I go to Longs Drugs on 17th and K St. and I pick up the 700 dollars from money-gram. Then I call her again, and I tell her that I also just found out that he actually screwed me for rent for the previous two months, from buying so much pot, and he will probly screw me for rent the next month too, so she should send me money for that just to be safe. Can you believe that pothead. And then she'll agree, cause she is a highschool teacher and knows that pot is a gateway drug. Hes probly on crack too she'll say, and then I'll just nod even though she can't see me through the phone and I'll say I can't believe I was ever so stupid to be involved with such a loser and I'll cry and she'll be all don't beat yourself up honey, girl power! And then I'll feel better when I walk back down to the Longs to get my next money-gram.
Now I've received a total net income of $2,800. Add in my left over 401k, and I have $3,002.50. When you take out my alcohol bill, I have a total of $8.50 left for the month. That's what I call Macroeconomics.
Dollar Sushi Night: $8.50
Lastly, I enjoy going out for dollar sushi hand-roll night with my friends. With beers at $3.25 a pop, I get a couple with a couple of rolls, and what a rockin night out! And economical too!
So, my crackhead minority-ridden peers, there you have it. You don't need to make much money to survive, you just have to be smart about it. Granted, sometimes people in poverty are in poverty because they have kids or some shit, but just minus out the dollar sushi night to buy diapers and you're fine. I mean, children are the future and whatnot, you selfish fucks. Anyways, even though it may not always be easy, getting through these recession-laden times IS doable with a little bit of discipline and a whole lot of proper planning. Good luck!(vote obama)
